Kristen vs. The Bees

This post is absolutely ridiculous. I’m just letting you know now. There’s no Spiritual relevance, or actual update, but if you need a good laugh- maybe this will help…

So Florida has bees, right? Yes. Plenty. And they’ve always kindly left me alone. I don’t know what it is about bees in Japan (other than they’re GIANT), but they love me. And it is most definitely a one-sided love. We have been here for 3 months and FIVE TIMES I’ve had a “moment” with bees.

FIVE TIMES.

One:

We’re heading out. I buckle the kids in the van. Matt is still inside so I leave the front doors open so the kids don’t get heat stroke. I go inside and grab my things. I guess I should explain “things”… Everywhere we go I bring my phone, Bible, pencil pouch, additional book I’m reading, and sometimes my journal, and my favorite pen for my journal. (Matt thinks this is a silly habit, but you never know when you’ll have a chance to read and write!) But anyway- back to the bee. 

So I’m carrying all these things. I sit down in the front passenger seat and close the door with my stack of books and things on my lap. I look up. EYE CONTACT. I make EYE CONTACT. With the BIGGEST BEE I have ever seen! He’s sitting on the dash. 12 INCHES from me. Just staring at me. In a small enclosed space and I’m getting heebeegeebees just typing about it. ANYWAY. I calming and quietly exited the vehicle and shooed him away. 

No. No, I didn’t. I SHOULD have done that. But I didn’t.

I chucked all of my supplies into the air and lunged into the door, opening it so fast that I kicked over the little trash can in the van, sending its contents flying along with my books and things. Leapt out of the van, sending my phone and one of my books… to the ground. My shoe flies off into a nearby bush… 

I ran inside one-shoed and flustered screaming- OH NO MATT!!!! MATT I LEFT THE CHILDREN IN THE CAR WITH A GIANT BEE AND YOU HAVE TO GO SAVE THEM NOW!!!!!!!

Mom of the year.

He saved them. He escorted the bee out. They are fine. We are fine. Freak bee sighting…. No big deal.

Bee: 1  Kristen: 0

Two:

I’m walking in my kitchen minding my own business when I look down and there’s a bee on my floor!!! This one was darker… possibly a hornet? I have no idea… but less yellow. But definitely with a stinger and giant and flying, and that’s really all you need to know. SO I run out. Naturally. Such grace. I tell Archer we’ve got to trap the bee until Matt gets home. But how…. In the closet is a large plastic storage bin… I empty the contents of one of them and decide- being almost the same height as Archer- it was big enough for the job. I inch into the kitchen holding the giant bin almost like a shield… Bee looks at me. I look at bee. Inch a littttlllee closer. Bee looks at me. I look at bee. AH-HA! He’s trapped- under the bin! I put a bag of rice on top JUST in case he has superhuman strength. (FYI Bags of rice in Japan weigh about as much as Mia). 

Bee: 1   Kristen: 1

Bee Number 2…. Successfully Captured…
Ahhh!

Three:

We decide to go for an evening walk in the park. Lovely, right? Lovely… So Mia is in her stroller gazing about. Matt is looking on as I blow bubbles to Archer who is karate-chopping them with his legs as he swings. Giggles abound, it’s a great time. Until… suddenly, I look down and there’s a bee ON MY ARM. WE HAVE CONTACT PEOPLE. Now, this bee is significantly smaller- I’d say American bee sized. BUT STILL.

So, naturally, as any civilized person would do. I fling the container of bubbles- swat it away and run screaming to Matthew. Who calmly states “He’s still on you.” WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! I run. Now swatting at the bee who flying next to my ear and getting tangled IN MY HAIR!!!! I hear Matthew from behind me remark nonchalantly, “Oh, he likes you.” NOT HELPING. I’ve lost visual now, but I still hear the buzzing… Finally the buzzing stops just as I run by Matthew for a second time. So… oh Lord, I’m ashamed to even write this. I think “OH! I need to hide my head because he’s CHASING ME and getting stuck IN MY HAIR.” So… I did what anyone would do in this situation and hid… in Matt’s shirt. Yes. I did that. We stood back to back both under his shirt, except I’m shorter than him so my head was hidden. (MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.) So here we are, in a (thankfully empty) neighborhood park. Just standing there. Together, under his conveniently baggy running shirt. About this time is when Archer started crying because his bubbles are gone… I did eventually come out. And we did make it home…. My pride… not so much…

Bee: 2   Kristen: 1

Four:

I load the kids up in the car. Matt is at work and we’re heading there to pick him up. I learned my lesson the first time. I strap the kids in and then turn the car on so I can close the doors and no giant bee flies in. So I run inside to grab my purse with my things for Japanese lessons. I come back out, walk around to the driver side and there he is, BEE. Flying RIGHT at me. So, as you can probably predict by this point, I scream and throw my things down. Trip over the step and stub three toes… in my haste to open the front door I knock my glasses off with the door…. Hide inside peeking out. He’s literally hovering in my path to the driver’s side. The other side is blocked by a GIANT spider web (why are there so many bugs here?!). So I wait a second, but I don’t want to be late… So I make a run for it- grab my strewn about things and then there he is! He flies right at me and then UNDER MY SKIRT. MY SKIRT PEOPLE. I do a little turn around (while screaming of course) so he doesn’t actually go UP my skirt and then JUMP into the car PRAYING he’s not in my skirt still. He wasn’t. Everything is fine. Hope of ministering to immediate neighbors… maybe not as impactful at this point… I’ll just be the quirky American. It’s fine.

Bee:  3 Kristen:  1

Five:

Today. I’ve decided to switch my second cup of coffee to green tea. Head into the kitchen early afternoon to make tea. Grab the tea kettle with boiled water and head to Mia’s thermos to pour it in… Except I didn’t make it that far… First, I heard the buzzing. Loud. INSIDE the kitchen buzzing. What do I do? You guessed it, ran out of the kitchen, yelling, tea kettle still in my hand. I set it on the printer (because where does a tea kettle go outside the kitchen?) and peek inside. Yup. He’s in there. In vain ramming himself against the closed window trying to get out. WHY. WHY THE KITCHEN. It’s 3 HOURS until Matt gets home. We can’t just not eat or drink for three hours (we’re hobbits)…. Except… Mia is a baby. She drinks formula. Her formula AND the boiled water are in the kitchen. (Japanese water makes her spit up a ton for some reason if we don’t boil it…) She wakes up hungry. But wait! I’m really bad at putting things away and FOR ONCE this has came in handy- I left one portion of baby food on the table, measured out. AND WAIT, I ran out of the kitchen WITH the tea pot! I have water for her. Hooray! Mia gets her bottle. Archer and I grow hungry… There’s a package of popcorn in the cabinet. The microwave is about 6 inches inside the kitchen. Archer and I inch toward the door. We open it. Peek in…. I reach in, body still completely in the hall, open the microwave and shove the bag in. Turn it on and close the kitchen door. Once it’s done I quickly stick my hand and arm only into the kitchen and retrieve our snack! Success! We made it the three hours- go pick up Matt- and… the bee is gone! He comes home and it’s gone! Where is he? My guess is he’s knocked out from ramming into the window so many times… Hoping he doesn’t wake up when Matt’s at work tomorrow…

Not sure who gets the points on that one… 

So this is my ridiculousness… On the plus side, I am no longer afraid of butterflies. They are actually a welcomed  (and often) sight in my little front garden. So that’s good. But if you feel like praying for something so super random. Pray for my battle with bees. I’ve even switched shampoo and they STILL find me (not because of this, I just happened to buy another brand… haha). Anyway, hope this post gave you a good laugh or at least made you feel better about yourself!

-K

2 Replies to “Kristen vs. The Bees”

    1. I do!!! My neighbor down the street was in his yard wearing a bee net helmet thing! And I noticed the lawn crew who cuts the neighborhood park’s grass wear bee netted helmet things too!!

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